For the Love of Joe

Published in the Good Weekend January 14 1995, By Rachel Ward

There’s a new man in the house, an interloper who’s quite good fun but way too appealing.

Mum’s Fallen in love again. It’s obvious, she’s got that dopey look on her face like when she’s had too much plonk. You know, kind of head to one side, eyes all runny and starry and what I call her Christmas smile. Really annoying like when she has got secrets and there’s no way you’re gonna get them out of her. At least she’s not so grumpy anymore. She was really fat and moody before he came along. Now she’s got all thin again and she’s even in a good mood shopping at Franklins. She never used to buy us lollies but he’s got a really sweet tooth so now she’s always got snakes in her bag and icy poles in the freezer.

Koala Lou is my favourite book. Mum used to put her arm around me and say, “Koala Lou I do love you. I always have and I always will”. Now she’s always got her arm around him. They have baths together and they’re always lying in the sofa wrapped in their towel, kissing. They have these really gay kissing games. He lies on top of her and they kiss each other all over the face. They see how long they can keep it up without stopping. Mum usually loses because she starts laughing and then she gets the giggles because he won’t stop kissing her. Then they play touch tongues. They stick their tongues out and when they touch, it makes them scream. Honestly, they’re so babyish. If he wasn’t such a cool dude it would probably really bug me. Even Dad likes him.

Mum loves going out with him. All her girlfriends stop her in the street and whisper, “he is soo cute”. Yu can tell they want to get their hands on him but he’s only got eyes for Mum. If we’re in a coffee shop and she gets up to go to the ladies, he follows her with his eyes all the way to the door and when she comes back he’s all over her like a rash. Then, if Mum’s trying to read the paper or talk to her friends and not giving him enough attention, he slips his hand inside her shirt and squeezes her boobs. She tells him not to be cheeky and tries to be cross but he just keeps on doing it until she puts the paper down or sometimes she just lets him go on playing with them behind the paper which is really embarrassing. I try to warn them if the waiter’s coming but he doesn’t care what people think. He’s always saying the s… word in front of people. Mum says I shouldn’t laugh, it only encourages him. He is funny though. I have to admit I can see why Mum loves him so much. He’s got eyes like puddles and the squidgiest lips. Mum says he’s luscious.

When I grow up I want to ride behind him on the ride-on mower with my arms around him like Mum does. They ride up and down for ages only stopping when his hat blows off. Then Mum’ll part the blond curls in front of her and I know she’s saying: “There’s just little bit of neck I have to kiss,” before she hops off to fetch his hat. Mum’s teaching him all about gardening. He makes a really big deal about smelling the flowers ‘cos he knows Mum loves it. He screws up his nose, takes a deep breath then goes “ahhh”, like he’s going to faint it’s so good. Our sofa’s got sunflowers on it. He sniffs those too. I reckon he’s a tease. Mum doesn’t trust him to do the watering. I like doing the watering too so sometimes we have a fight over it. He sprayed me all over my school uniform the other day. It’s the only time I’ve seen her cross with him. She called out: “Stop it Joe,” instead of “darling” and tried to snatch it off him but he waited until she was really close and squirted her too. He’s really good at cooling Mum down. He thinks everything’s funny. Mum says he’s infectious.

Every day after I’ve gone to school they go on really long bike rides. He carries a stick and when they go up steep hills he whacks Mum on the bum and says: “You can do it, you can do it,” like she’s Thomas the Tank Engine. They go really fast downhill and when they get to the bottom they put their arms in the air and shout, “And it’s gold, gold, gold for Australia.” How pathetic. Sometimes, on weekends, I go with them ‘cos they always buy an ice-cream halfway. It’s surprising he’s not fat, the amount of lollies he eats. Mum says she likes his bum best ‘cos it’s soft and round like two peach halves. I’ve even seen her bite it. I’m never going to fall in love if it means you have to bite boy’s bums.

Just after he came to live with us he hit his head on the concrete at the bottom of our steps. He had a really long sleep and when he woke up he was okay but Mum didn’t stop shaking all day. She says she loves us all the same but I think she loves him more than us. I hit my head on the Hills Hoist the other day and she didn’t shake at all.

He sleeps in the bedroom down the passage now. In the morning he always shouts, “Hello” so we know he’s awake. Mum hates waking up and even after Dad’s brought her a cup of tea she hides under the eiderdown pretending to be asleep. But when she hears Joe calling, she pops her head out and sings back, “Hello Darling.” Dad says: “How come you never say that to me?” Mum says: “because you’re not as cute as Joe,” and Dad says: “If my Mum was alive she’d say I was just like Joe when I was a baby,” and we say: “Sure Dad”.